I realise that I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself, but I couldn't leave you to enjoy your Christmas without posting this horror, and admitting to you all that I possess not one, but two versions of this atrocity.
Released at the height of the Smurfs fame, it came as both a hard vinyl 7" (backed with a sing-along instrumental) and a one-sided flexi which was available for a limited time for just 10 new pennies. It recounts the tale of how certain Smurf-related toys, which had been widely imported into the UK, were causing all sorts of problems - primarily because the lead-based paint that had been used to decorate the dear little things was highly toxic.
That would probably be reason enough for the disc to find a place in any collection of audio horrors, but it gets better. The record was created by Jonathan King - one time pop emperor, discoverer of both Genesis and 10CC, manufacturer of several huge hits including Everyone's Gone to the Moon, It's Good News Week and Una Paloma Blanca and, of course, a state registered sex offender.
Oh yes! This was recorded by the same man who was sentenced to seven years in prison in November 2001 after being convicted of sexually assaulting a series of teenage boys, aged 14 to 16, between 1983 and 1989. Released on parole in March 2005, King has always maintained his innocence, and over the last few years has released a CD of new material (which attracted even more controversy with one some supposedly about the UK's worst serial killer Dr Harold Shipman) and a volume of autobiography.
Anyway, whatever you choose to believe, here is what I believe must be one of the worst Christmas records of all time. Enjoy, and have a great Christmas!