As England have recently been forced to accept ignominious
defeat in the 2014 FIFA World Cup, this seems to me to be the perfect time to head
north of the border, to Scotland, and the
Scottish World Cup Squad’s awful 1982 single We Have A Dream. If you think England has performed appallingly,
perhaps you should consider the fate of the UK’s other national teams: since
WW2 Scotland have never advanced beyond the first round of the finals
competition, missing out on progressing to the second round three times on goal
difference (according to Wikipedia. Me: I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the
dull game). Wales only appeared in the 1958 World Cup because other countries
refused to take part. Northern Ireland have appeared in the finals of the FIFA
World Cup on three occasions: 1958, 1982 and 1986.
So, back to Scotland. This dreadful piece of flag-waving
Braveheartism comes from the pen of B A Robertson, the Scots singer and
composer who had scored several solo hits between 1979 and 1981 with Bang Bang, Knocked it Off and Kool in the Kaftan among them, plus a duet
with Maggie Bell and Hold Me. This hideous
hymn to nationalism, which actually reached the Top Five, features actor John
Gordon Sinclair telling the story of a dream he had about Scottish football
success. He later resuscitated this Scottish footballing connection by
narrating the 2006 BBC Scotland documentary series That Was the Team That Was. Sinclair is probably best known for his
appearance in the films Gregory’s Girl and Local Hero. The single was re-released
in 2008 to raise money for the BBC’s annual Children In Need telethon. That version
featured a host of celebrities including Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Jensen,
Dougray Scott, Chris Hoy, Ally McCoist, comedian Fred MacAulay and actress Elaine
C. Smith along with Sinclair reprising his role.
The B-side of the original 1982 version, Wrap Up the Cup I B A Robertson's 'rap' track - is equally heinous, and is also included here.
Outside of his solo career, Robertson also co-wrote Carrie and Wired for Sound for Cliff Richard and penned and sang the theme
music to the television series the Multi-Coloured Swap Shop (Hello, Hello, although, to be perfectly
honest, I can’t recall this song being used: the Swap Shop theme I hear in my
head is completely different (Swap Shooooop! Do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do, do, do-do-do-do-do-do…).
He also and wrote and sang backing vocals for the Swap Shop spin-off group Brown Sauce's UK Top 20 hit I Wanna Be a Winner: the ‘band’Brown Sauce was made up of Swap Shop
presenters Keith Chegwin, Maggie Philbin and Noel Edmonds. I’ve included both
sides of the latter release here for you, just as a reminder of how truly awful
the early 80s could be.
A
slightly less creepy version of the Mini-Pops, The Little Angels National Folk Ballet of Korea released just one
45 in the UK in November 1972, a cover of the recent Neil Reid Top Three hit Mother
of Mine backed with I’m Getting
Married in the Morning, the show-stopping tune from the musical My Fair Lady. A follow-up album, Little Angels, received a limited
European and Asian release the following year.
Mother of Mine was an obvious choice for the pre-pubescent
emotional blackmailers; a song guaranteed to tug at the heartstrings of a
certain sector of the record buying public. Listening to their performance is akin to being beaten around the head by the Von Trapp Family Singers with sticks of candyfloss. However the supposed charm of a
bunch of cute moppets singing I’m
Getting Married in the Morning takes on a much more sinister tone when you
realise that the choir was brought together by the notorious Sun Myung Moon, the founder of the
Unification Church (aka the Moonies),
whose bizarre blessing ceremonies gained international attention for joining
thousands of identically-dressed brides and grooms - many of whom met at the
ceremony for the first time - in distinctly unholy matrimony. Ignore the dodgy pronunciation, I reckon that
there were a few dissenters in the ranks. Listen carefully: I’m sure some of
the kids are singing ‘Kim Jong’, rather than ‘ding-dong’.
Dance
troupe and choral company the Little Angels
Children’s Folk Ballet of Korea was founded in 1962 by the
Rev. Moon and his wife, Hak Ja Han,
as a way to project a positive image of South Korea. Still in existence today
(the lineup changes, Menudo-like, whenever a member reaches her 16th
birthday), the
group’s dances are based on Korean legends and regional dances, and its
costumes on traditional Korean styles.
“My plan was to
have these 17 children learn how to dance and then send them out into the
world. Many foreigners knew about Korea only as a poor country that had fought
a terrible war,” said Reverend Moon in his less-than reliable memoir. “I wanted
to show them the beautiful dances of Korea so that they would realise that the
Korean people are a people of culture."
In 1973,
shortly after they released their one and only British single, they performed
at the United Nations Headquarters in New York. They have appeared Stateside on
many occasions, including in 1993 when, according to a contemporary review in The New York Times, the troupe featured ‘girls from seven to 15 years old...dressed
in a wide variety of colourful costumes, some drawn from traditional Korean
styles. They still glide, dip and spin in mini-spectacles, inspired by Korean
legends and regional dances that often resemble gracious precision drills’.
The group has expanded recently and, in an uncharacteristic nod to the modern
world, has added a solitary young boy to its’ cast of 33 young girls.
In 2010
the Little Angels toured the world, visiting the 16 nations that had sent
troops to support South Korea in the United Nations force during the war, ‘to provide “breathtaking and heart-warming”
performances that will honour and cheer the countries’ veterans, express the
deep gratitude the Korean people feel toward all Americans for preserving their
freedom, and celebrate the enduring Korean-American friendship’. The tour was
sponsored by the Korean War 60th Anniversary Memorial Committee, whose
chairman, Bo Hi Pak, is also the president of the Little Angels. They played in
London that October.
Born October 17,
1938 in Butte, Montana – the former mining town which, in its heyday, was home
to hundreds of saloons and a notorious red-light district – Robert Craig ‘Evel’ Knievel was an American
daredevil, entertainer and (or so it says on Wikipedia) ‘international icon’.
The original Lance Murdoch, between 1965 and 1980 he attempted over 75
ramp-to-ramp motorcycle jumps in his red, white and blue leather cat suit: in
1974 a failed jump across Snake River Canyon in a steam-powered rocket almost
resulted in his death and, during his professional career, he broke 433 bones –
earning him an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records as the survivor of
"most bones broken in a lifetime".
He was
well paid for his feats of daring. He earned $1 million for his jump over 13
buses at Wembley Stadium (the crash landing broke his pelvis) and more than $6
million for the Snake River Canyon attempt, where the parachute on his
rocket-powered Skycycle malfunctioned
and deployed after take-off. Strong winds blew the cycle into the canyon,
landing him close to the river below.
At the height of
his fame Evel appeared in movies, made dozens of appearances as a guest on hit
TV shows including The Bionic Woman
and the Sonny and Cher Show and had
a range of toys (or collectable figurines I guess you’d call them now) based on
him, his family and his contemporaries. Knievel toys accounted for more than $300 million in sales in
the 70s and 80s.
Thankfully, in
1974, he released the thoroughly bizarre album, with the incredibly original
title Evel Knievel, which featured a
26 minute press conference, a song about (but not by) him and the great man
himself reciting a self-composed poem. It’s a pretty boring listen: luckily the
two standout tracks – Why and The Ballad of Evel Knievel – were
issued as a single. And it’s those two tracks I present for you today. When
producer Ron Kramer was searching for a vocalist to sing a song he had
co-written written for Knievel he approached John Culliton Mahoney, who performs The Ballad of Evel Knievel in a shrill vibrato. It sounds to me
like the theme tune to a Saturday tea time TV show, which it possibly could
have been intended for. Why is just
horrible: a miserable piece of poetry worthy of a ten year-old in which, over
swelling strings, Evel talks about his faith in God, and how the power of
prayer has pulled him through his darkest days.
Originally issued on Amherst in 1974 (the long-established US company owned
by Leonard Silver that also licensed 45s by The Stylistics, Van McCoy and
Glenn Medeiros), the album was reissued on Tin Toy Records (on CD in 2000)
as Evel Speaks to the Kids. A strange
move, as Tin Toy seem to specialise in semi-legit (read 'dodgy') Throbbing Gristle and Psychic TV albums. To the best of my
knowledge Evel Speaks to the Kids is
a Genesis P Orridge-free zone. After
years of licensing tracks from other stables, John Culliton Mahoney became the first artist to sign directly to
Amherst Records in 1973 (according to an article in the Niagara Falls Reporter), releasing his first album, Love Not Guaranteed, the same year. He’s still performing today.
The promoter
for the Snake River Canyon jump, Shelly Saltman, wrote a book entitled Evel Knievel on Tour. The book painted
an unflattering picture of Knievel's character, alleging that he abused his
wife and kids and he used drugs. Enraged, Knievel flew to California to
confront Saltman, who was a Vice President at 20th Century Fox. Gaining entrance
to the studio lot, one of Knievel's friends grabbed Saltman and held him while
Knievel, with both arms still in casts, attacked him with an aluminium baseball
bat, declaring, "I'm going to kill
you!" According to a witness, Knievel struck repeated blows at
Saltman's head, with Saltman blocking the blows with his left arm. Saltman's
arm and wrist were shattered in several places before he fell to the ground
unconscious. It took numerous surgeries and permanent metal plates to
eventually give Saltman back the use of his arm. Saltman's book was pulled from
the shelves by the publisher after Knievel threatened to sue. Saltman later
produced documents in both criminal and civil court that proved that, although
Knievel claimed to have been insulted by statements in Saltman's book, he and
his lawyers had actually been given editorial access to the book and had
approved and signed off on every word prior to its publication. Knievel pleaded
guilty to battery and was sentenced to three years' probation and six months in
county jail.
Unsurprisingly,
Knievel lost most of his marketing endorsements and deals and, with no income
from jumping or sponsorship, he was eventually forced to declare bankruptcy. He
still managed to make a living though: thousands came to Butte each year to celebrate
Evel Knievel Day, where he would sell autographs and memorabilia.
Evel
died in November 2007 at the age of 69. He had been in failing health for
years, suffering from diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis (an incurable condition
that scarred his lungs); he had undergone a liver transplant in 1999 after
nearly dying of hepatitis C, likely contracted through a blood transfusion
after one of his bone-shattering spill and he also suffered two strokes in the
years before he passed.
The Wonder Who?
was a pseudonym used by the Four Seasons,
who released a cover of the Bob Dylan song Don't
Think Twice (truncating the correct title of the song) under that name
in 1965. An outtake from their Sing Hits
By Bacharach, David and Dylan album, the story has it that Valli was not
happy with his vocals during the recording of a ‘straight’ version of Don't Think Twice, It's All Right and
he decided to record the song with a ‘joke’ falsetto vocal to ease the tension
in the studio.
As the group were still enjoying hit singles (Let’s Hang On had been a Top Three hit
recently and their next single, Working
My Way Back to You would go Top 10) to save damaging the group’s career it
was decided to issue the track with the Wonder
Who? nom-de-plume. Everyone involved was surprised when it became a major
hit, peaking on the Billboard charts
at Number 12. Called ‘about the most camp
cover of a Dylan tune that could be imagined’ by Richie Unterberger on
allmusic.com, lead singer Frankie Valli, bizarrely, decides to
blow falsetto raspberries throughout the recording. Valli made this rather
peculiar sound (which, to be perfectly honest, I first assumed was a flaw in
the mastering) in imitation of the singer Rose
Murphy, who used the brrp, brrp sound
of a telephone ringing on her hit Busy
Line.
Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, the Four Seasons and Philips kept the joke going a little
longer, resurrecting
the Wonder Who? for this dismal and,
frankly, ridiculous cover of the Shirley
temple classic On the Good Ship
Lollipop, backed with an equally awful reworking of the old chestnut You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You –
with both songs again featuring Frankie dong his best (or worst) impersonation
of a Trimphone. Both sides scraped the Billboard 100, with On the Good Ship Lollipop peaking at 87 during its’ three-week run and
You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You
reaching the giddy heights of 96.
Their third outing as the Wonder Who?, 1967's Lonesome
Road, peaked at 89. A fourth Wonder
Who single (sans the question mark) was simply a reissue of an old Four
Seasons recording, Peanuts, issued as a cash-in by the group’s former label Vee-Jay.
On the Good Ship Lollipop would
also be covered (and issued as a single in 1969) by perennial pop outsider Tiny Tim.
The Four Seasons would
continue to release records – and score hits - under their own name and under
that of leader Frankie Valli (real name Francesco Stephen Castelluccio) for the
next decade. Throughout their now 50-plus year history the various line-ups of
the group have issued tracks under a variety of
names; Frankie Valli solo releases
have turned up on Four Seasons albums
and vice versa, and Valli – who suffered a debilitating deafness for almost two
decades before having it corrected by surgery – is still touring today,
fronting a new version of the Four Seasons as he enters his 80s. As the new
millennium arrived the hit musical Jersey
Boys reignited interest in their career once again, Valli appeared in a number of episodes of the hit TV series The Sopranos and, in 2007, a remix of their
40-year old single Beggin’ saw the
act return to the UK charts a full 45 years after their first British chart
entry, Sherry. Enjoy!
