After Eight Mince

Although hardly known here in the UK, in the US Fabio Lanzoni – known mononymously (a la Cher, Madonna, et al) as Fabio - is, or rather was, a sensation. The Italian model became a huge media star, thanks to his appearance on the covers of countless (some estimate over 400) cheap romance novels and guest roles in TV and film comedies - including Roseanne, Death Becomes Her, Dude Where’s My Car and Zoolander.

Everything about Fabio is larger than life: he owns 222 motorcycles, according to a 2012 interview and, in 1999, when he rode Apollo's Chariot, a roller coaster at Busch Gardens, a goose collided with his face, leaving him covered in blood. The goose was killed and Fabio received a one-inch cut on his nose. No one else on the roller coaster was hurt. He soon had his own fragrance, women’s clothing range and, naturally, for someone so oleaginous, he became the advertising spokesperson for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Fabio and his flowing locks are famous.

A recording contract soon followed. And the world has been asking itself ‘why?’ ever since.

Released in 1993 Fabio After Dark – thankfully – only features the open-shirted one ‘singing’ on one song, a cover of the Colonel Abrams song When Somebody Loves Somebody, which had been a minor US hit in 1992. On the other eight tracks credited to him he simply reads a short, scripted soliloquy over the top of some suitably seductive instrumental music - or sections of the backing track to When Somebody Loves Somebody. Unfortunately his heavily-accented insights into romance, surprises, films and humour only add up to fifteen minutes or so, so the rest of the album is padded out with ‘romantic’ music from Billy Ocean, Barry White, the Stylistics and Dionne Warwick. Luckily the planned follow-up, Fabio Makes Breakfast, Then Promises to Call You But Never Does remains unreleased to this day.

The CD booklet is something else – a softcore wet dream if there ever was one. Here’s Fabio without his shirt on, draped over the bonnet of a Rolls Royce. Now here’s Fabio lounging on satin sheets after his woman has left (presumably to return to her idiot husband). Now here’s Fabio in his skimpy Speedo, fresh from the pool in his luxury Hollywood home, and here we have Fabio looking sultry in a sauna, swathed in terry towelling.

Ugh. Give me Peter Wyngarde any day of the week. Now there’s a man who knows how to seduce a woman!

Her's a brace of cuts from Fabio After Dark - the opening track About Romance and When Somebody Loves Somebody.

Enjoy!